Goodbye, Goodnight
by GraveDigger Resurrection
Summary: All this time, these days and hours fraught with our defeats and false victories boil down to you slipping further and further away from me. A smile, a laugh, and a tear, fading down to this moment. Missing Scene for Redux II


**Title:** Goodnight, Goodbye  
**Rating:** PG  
**Disclaimer: **How many times must I say it? Completely, totally...not mine.  
**A/N: **This fic just popped into my head, quite by accident while listening to "Goodnight, Goodbye" by Averi, and before I quite knew what was happening, it turned into a missing scene from "Redux II." I've sort of moved away from the XF realm, and it's come as a surprise to me that I'm still comfortable writing these characters. This hasn't been beta-ed, and I'm sorry for any mistakes. Lyrics for the song are at the end of the fic. Hope you enjoy, and please, read on.

**Summary:**All this time, these days and hours fraught with our defeats and false victories boil down to you slipping further and further away from me. A smile, a laugh, and a tear, fading down to this moment.

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It's so dark right now, Scully, and so quiet I think I must be the only person alive in the world. There's no soft cracking of sunflower shells to dissuade my terror tonight, though, and I'm left to listening for your soft breaths in the darkness. They're gentle and even, and they're still flowing out of you, at least for tonight. 

Your hands were shaking today, Scully. While we talked, there was a little tremor running through your palms, up to your wrists, and it was all I could do not to grab them and hold them to me. Anything to make the shaking stop. Anything to make _all_ this stop.

Look who's shaking now.

I gave up my sister tonight, Scully. Or maybe I didn't, but I gave up the chance to find out at all. Every time I think I've found my Truth, there's some sort of barrier in my way, some sort of choice between what I so desperately want, and what's right. Funny thing is, this time, it doesn't seem to matter as much.

I thought I had the answers for me, for both of us, but I'm not so sure anymore. I think all I've done, Scully, when it really comes down to it, is tear apart everything I've ever loved or known. Otherwise, you wouldn't be dying here in this hospital bed, would you?

I want nothing more than to wake you up, shake you and shake you until I know you're alive, still here with me. But I can't let my tears be what you see now, so I keep listening to you breathe, holding on to that sound with everything I've got. All the times I've been so weak in front of you, but it's your time to rest now, Scully, and this time I'm going to try my damnedest to hold you up until the end. Until the end. That usually doesn't mean tomorrow, does it?

How do you sleep under this blanket, Scully? It's rough against my cheek, and smells sterile and dead. Nothing like that belongs around you, that's not what you're about. It's not what you're like. Not where you belong.

I can't see your necklace right now, but I know it's there around your neck, just as it's always been. Your rosary is curled up inside your small hand, I can feel it under my trailing hands. Do they bring you comfort? Do they give you the strength to believe that where I've failed, your faith can hold you up and keep you safe? I want so much to believe that, Scully, I'm desperate to find something to believe in, because I'm just not sure there's anything left anymore.

All these years you stuck with me, Scully, all these years you took on my fight as your own and suffered beside me for this foolish cause, drifting away in front of me. I can see them now, blooming out in the darkness. All this time, these days and hours fraught with our defeats and false victories boil down to you slipping further and further away from me. A smile, a laugh, and a tear, fading down to this moment. I'd say something to you about it, but I can only speak what I'm certain of, and right now, I'm only certain of this terrifying uncertainty of a tomorrow without you in my life.

You're so calm when you sleep. It's when you finally let yourself rest in the face of everything thrown at you, and there's nothing but your breathing, and your dreams. I hope they're good ones, Scully, you deserve them.

Your brother was right, you know. I'm a fool, and an idiot, and most of all, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the times I was selfish and caustic, and ignored you when you tried so hard to help me. I'm sorry I couldn't love you any better. All these years we've been together and this moment is what I'm left with. You sleeping and loosening your grip on this world a little more with every passing second, and me...just sorry. Sorry and so, so afraid.

You've already said your goodbyes, Scully, I know that. In a touch and a glance, and words that never come out exactly as you'd like them to. Maybe it's what lets you sleep, and that thought comforts me, but doesn't give me rest. _You've_ said your goodbyes, maybe, Scully, but I haven't, not really. I can never say goodbye to you, Scully. Never.

My tears have slowed to nothing now, and I'm so wearied I can't think straight. How did everything spiral down to this tiny little hospital room? I have to leave, Scully, or I may never get out of here. Your fading presence is twisting my stomach until I could sob with it, only I've nothing left to give. I think maybe that chip in your neck was the last thing I could give you, Scully, and for all I know, it will only take you from me faster.

You don't stir when I let my lips brush against your forehead, and it's best that way. I want this peace for you tonight. All I want from you is for you to keep breathing, keep staying here for me, Scully. I'm selfish, and cruel, and I don't think I can do this without you.

The door opens silently, the knob icy under my numb fingers. The hall light casts a beam over you, and I'm struck by just how frail you've become. All the days you've lived, and this is what it's left you, Scully. I'm so, so sorry.

I can still hear you breathing from across the room, even and deep, and it suddenly fills me with the aching sureness that there's still something in this world I believe in. Something leaving me with every passing hour, fading out with your every breath. Believing in you has never been so easy as it is tonight, even as you rest from your fight, and keep on slipping by. I'll believe in you until the end of time, Scully, not just through our lifetimes.

I've been standing here for 10 minutes now, and I still can't walk away. We can say goodbye all we want, but the hardest part will still always be leaving, wont it? Sleep well, Scully, I hope your God is watching over you for now.

Goodnight, Scully. Goodnight is all I can ever say, I guess, because I can't...I can't.

I'll never be able to say goodbye to you, Scully. I'll never do it.

Goodnight.

_-fin.-

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**_"Goodnight, Goodbye" By Averi_**

_The lights are off  
The wind blows the falling snow  
It's matched by the sound of your breathAnd the tremor of your hands  
As I'm seated by your bed  
Attempting to find the right words to leave the room with_

_And I don't know what I believe  
As you clutch your rosary beads  
All these years, they're laid out in an evening  
With the opening of your eyes  
All these things rush through my mind  
But the only thing I can say is that which I'm certain…_

_So sleep, if your tired eyes are closing  
Don't be afraid anymore  
Just sleep, if you're tired of fighting  
Let it be peaceful tonight_

_I'm sorry for all the times  
I was selfish and unkind  
All these years that I've had with you and this is what I'm left with  
With the closing of your eyes  
All these things clog up my mind  
But the only thing we said was that which mattered most_

_So sleep, if your tired eyes are closing  
Don't be afraid anymore  
Just sleep, if you're tired of fighting  
Let it be peaceful tonight  
Sleep well  
Goodnight, Goodbye_

_With the lights still off  
I study your frail body  
And what all these living days has left you with  
With your breath across the room  
And my hand upon the door  
I realize then, that the hardest part will always be leaving_

_Sleep well  
Goodnight, Goodbye._

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